“How can someone receive joy from causing pain? Why do they want to hurt me? What am I doing wrong? I’m causing this to happen. I’m such a horrible person. I deserve this…I am worthless.”

Rosa is nineteen. She is a magnificent, intelligent, caring young girl who believes she is the very opposite because throughout her life, she has been torn down by the people who surround her, her own family, and the people she called her friends. They spoke in ways that made her feel sick inside, made her feel like she wasn’t enough, that she never would be.

Rosa tried her hardest to earn their acceptance, but she quickly lost herself attempting to make everyone happy. Her own morals were lost in translation. The pain of it all coming in fast and hard. Soon she was headed down a dangerous path, attempting to be so many different versions of herself, not letting her true self out. It never worked.

They said the same things, gave the same sideways looks and she he kept walking that fine line trying to not set of the bombs that were surrounding her. Soon she started adopting their thoughts as her own, she became her own biggest enemy. And this was just the first phase.

The second was looking for someone who would be there for her. She started searching for love in the wrong people hoping someone would take the pain away, someone would love her for her, but she only got hurt more in the process, She gave up.

The third phase was the hardest. This was the depression, anxiety, and bipolar Disorder. She convinced herself that she fit all of these at one point or another, she fit the molds that must be the problem. Rosa spiraled out of control. Her own mind was in conflict with itself.

During school, she started leaving claiming she was sick. She wasn’t. She was fine, physically, but there was a storm in her head stopping her from focusing on anything else. So she skipped school to have the sweet relief of sleep. Sleep where she finally felt no pain. Sleep where she was finally herself. Sleep where she was finally happy.

She became hopeless, researched the quickest ways to end her life. They were all too scary. She instead cried to God to take her away, to take her from this pain because she wasn’t strong enough to do it herself.

Through this, Rosa successfully kept these things to herself, wanting so badly for someone to listen and help, but every time she attempted to explain, she was quickly brushed off as just wanting attention. She started believing it herself, arguing with her mind, telling herself that she was a bad person for feeling this way and for wanting someone to help. So instead she plastered on a smile and continued on.

When she hit eighteen Rosa left for college. She worked three part time jobs and rented the cheapest apartment she could find. She had to get away. It was stressful but worth it, her mental health improved, she felt less pain.

During the holidays, she went to have dinner with her family. Nothing changed. She kept a level head but the longer she was there the faster her heart beat, the louder her mind screamed. She decided to leave early. She couldn’t take the storm anymore.

“How can someone receive joy from causing pain? Why do they want to hurt me? What am I doing wrong?…I’m not doing anything wrong. This is not my fault. I don’t deserve this. I am worth so much more.”