Advice for finding the perfect woman

Oli (Abigail) Grenke, Journalist

Is Grandma still asking about romantic relationships at family gatherings? The teenage boys searching for acceptance from their female counterparts need not look further than this comprehensive guide to find a perfect woman.

Changing a Facebook status to something other than “Single Forever” is possible, even if one has not done it before. The best way to find a perfect lady is hanging around Forever 21 and other similar clothing outlets, scouting out the perfect match.

The best strategy is standing outside of the store with a pen and paper, asking girls for their phone numbers. A few helpful tips to ensure success include wearing a Minecraft sweatshirt, faking an excessively strong British accent, and using extra cute pickup lines found on Reddit. “If Internet Explorer is brave enough to ask you to be your default browser, I’m brave enough to ask you out!” is a go-to winner.

Now that one possesses a lovely lady’s number, it is time to text her. Do not appear too desperate; wait at least two weeks after getting her digits to text her. Calling is not an option, as looking too socially skilled and graceful appears to be aggressive.

The perfect first message contains the hip texting lingo that the trendy teenagers use. Make sure to type in all lowercase with no punctuation, and never type a full word in English – there is probably a number that will do the job better, such as the cool way to spell “later” as “l8r.”

The only word that should not be shortened is a handcrafted, creative, and cute nickname for her. Examples of great nicknames include babes, fluffycups, and any adorable play off of Pokemon names, such as Queen Jack Spearow.

Once she has fallen deeply in love, try to keep things interesting and fun in the relationship. This means going on dates. All girls are guaranteed to be thrilled at the idea of a trip to the park, but what about adding a twist to make the date even more amazing and special?

Try things like letting her help nickname the turtles in the river after any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  character. Use the spacious, grassy park to show her a collection of homemade Dungeons of Dragons weapon replicas and any martial arts moves that can be learned from old Bruce Lee films, or even better, from anime.

Of course, if one cannot do what is suggested above, one can always change a few things to better fit one’s interests. For example, if Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is not one’s cup of tea, and one is more into football, the turtles in the park pond probably would not mind being named after any favorite quarterbacks. Any girlfriend is should be thrilled and joyful either way.

Girls don’t like it when people are obsessed with them, so only text her twice a week. However, if she texts first, read her text and do not reply. This will show her that one cares about her, one cares enough to check one’s phone, and assures her that clinginess won’t be a problem.

With these methods, finding lovely lady shouldn’t be too challenging. Soon, Grandma won’t be as bothersome at family gatherings, and looking at the “In a Relationship” marker on Facebook will bring eternal fame on Xbox Live and overflowing joy for all eternity.